sometimes its good to tell a joke

[crescent moon (RIP)]

Thank you @mo elbo Needed these this morning.

 

[ItsRalphy]

 

[mo elbo]

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs!

 

[mo elbo]

Thank you @mo elbo Needed these this morning.

You are most welcome
Found these quite therapeutic after a long day off work and thaut i share some

 

[mo elbo]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

 

[Teboho]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

 

[Husam]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[mo elbo]

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

 

[mo elbo]

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
-
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

 

[mo elbo]

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

 

[mo elbo]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

 

[mo elbo]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

 

[mo elbo]

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

 

[mo elbo]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[Dafsade]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

ah ah ah !

 

[Dafsade]

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

N'importe quoi ! !

 

[Dafsade]

An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

Le con ! !

 

[mo elbo]

@Dafsade quelque blagues en francais

Un monsieur visite un musée. Soudain il s'arrête et dit au guide :
- Ah, c'est moche !
- C'est du Picasso, répond le guide.
Plus loin, il s'écrie de nouveau :
- Ah, c'est vraiment moche !
- Ca Monsieur, c'est un miroir !

 

[mo elbo]

Un chien et un homme son sur un bateau. Le chien pète, l'homme tombe à l'eau et se noie. Quelle est la race du chien ?
Un pékinois. (un pet qui noie)

 

[Dafsade]

@Dafsade quelque blagues en francais

Un monsieur visite un musée. Soudain il s'arrête et dit au guide :
- Ah, c'est moche !
- C'est du Picasso, répond le guide.
Plus loin, il s'écrie de nouveau :
- Ah, c'est vraiment moche !
- Ca Monsieur, c'est un miroir !

Ah ah ! En France on n’aurait pas dit que c’etait un monsieur, on aurait dit une blonde ah ah !!

Un chien et un homme son sur un bateau. Le chien pète, l'homme tombe à l'eau et se noie. Quelle est la race du chien ?
Un pékinois. (un pet qui noie)

Pas mal le jeu de mot !!

Merci pour les blagues en français ! Plus facile à comprendre !!