sometimes its good to tell a joke

[mo elbo]

Today was my first day entering a court.
The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”
I was so excited,
So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”
I am now locked up in a dark room.
I am sure they will bring my order soon

 

[mo elbo]

1) I woke up
2) I went to school
3) I saw her
4) I ran to her, and I hugged her
5) I kissed her
Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2

 

[mo elbo]

I asked why Wall of China is the wonder of the world!


Answer:
It’s the only thing made in China that lasted years.

 

[mo elbo]

) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

 

[mo elbo]

Difficult Landing
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.
However, it seemed that passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.​

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

 

[Dafsade]

Great !

Thanks @mo elbo !

I laughed !

 

[mo elbo]

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.

 

[mo elbo]

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

[mo elbo]

Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  
• Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
  
• Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
  
• Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  
• I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
  
• What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
  
• Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
  
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
  
• I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
  
• Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
  
• Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

 

[mo elbo]

How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb?

Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

 

[mo elbo]

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained:
"You can't park anywhere near this place!"

 

[mo elbo]

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

 

[mo elbo]

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

[mo elbo]

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

 

[mo elbo]

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

 

[mo elbo]

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

 

[Dafsade]

Ah ah ah !! Thanks @mo elbo !!!

I am still laughing !

 

[mo elbo]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.

An actuary: It looked in the file and that's what it did last year.

A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

 

[mo elbo]

Airlines Acronyms Explained

Alitalia: Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta
Alitalia: Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival
American: Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea
BOAC: Better On A Camel
Delta: Don't Ever Leave The Airport
Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
El Al: Every Landing Always Late
Olympic: Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash
PIA: Perhaps I'll Arrive
Sabena: Such A Bad Experience - Never Again
SAS: Sex After Service
TAP: Take Another Plane
TWA: That Was Awful
TWA: Try With Another

 

[ItsRalphy]

@mo elbo - you are on fire!