sometimes its good to tell a joke

[Mia]

A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

 

[Mia]

1. Man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'… I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered …' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .'So how's your breakfast this morning?' “It's very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name ,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard.
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was …'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

 

[Mia]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude , the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good , so we should have an uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"

Silence followed...................... .

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, "For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!

 

[Mia]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The
husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $49.95 jar of rejuvenating face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5

 

[Mia]

 

[Mia]

Outdoors Man



During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers,
escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

”No,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”

 

[Mia]

Geography Lesson

THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she is like Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 17 and 80, a man is like North Korea: ruled by a pair of nuts.
That’s the end today's geography lesson.

 

[mo elbo]

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

 

[mo elbo]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it.

 

[mo elbo]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[mo elbo]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!

 

[mo elbo]

JFK New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. According law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

[Mia]

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas ,
but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips
rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
^
^
^
^
^


This is done by the chip monks.

 

[mo elbo]

All the passengers were onboard the small, third-world, puddle-jumping, commuter plane waiting for take-off. The stewardess assured them that their pilots will arrive soon; they were “delayed on another flight.” Eventually, two uniformed men wearing dark glasses entered the plane. One used a guide dog, while the other tapped his way into the cockpit with his white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin as the passengers glanced around, nervously searching for some sign that this was just a practical joke. No explanation was forthcoming. The plane taxied into position, then rolled down the runway, faster and faster, until the people near the windows realized they were nearing the end of the runway. Panicked screams filled the cabin, but suddenly the plane lifted off and rose smoothly into the sky. The passengers relaxed and laughed sheepishly. In the cockpit, the co-pilot said to the pilot, “You know, Bob, one of these days they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

 

[Mia]

Sure is great to see you again Mo

 

[mo elbo]

Sure is great to see you again Mo

Hi Mia sinds the day i last posted 16march i was in the hospital for two months and 2 surgery's later here iam sorry i couldnt keep in touch still recovering but glad to be back

 

[mo elbo]

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my 
feelings.”

 

[mo elbo]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

 

[kev2]

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!

 

[mo elbo]

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”